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Dear Men Sitting in Two (or More) Seats,

Did you swipe your MetroCard twice? By this, I mean did you pay for both you and your leg to have their own seats? I didn’t think so. Not only are you being inconsiderate, but you are essentially stealing a subway seat. Don’t make me call the MTA police on your selfish ass. I swear, I’ll push that emergency DO NOT PUSH UNLESS IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY button.

There is a simple solution. And forgive me for sounding like the scary nuns from Catholic school…SIT UP AND KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER, DAMNIT. I get it. You are a man. Men have to constantly remind the public that they have penises and their bodily intestines are drowning in testosterone. (Note to self: Learn how hormones work.) But I highly doubt your penis is so large that you cannot manage to keep your legs only shoulder-width apart. (Note to men: if this is in fact DOES describe your penis, please find a way to contact me. Much obliged.)

What do you think is going to happen? I’m going to give up on finding a seat and just settle in your lap as the next best thing? That I will be immediately taken aback by how soft your mesh shorts are and against my better judgment allow you to take me out to dinner where we will take up an entire six-person booth with both of us sitting on the same side and extend our legs putting our feet on the other side of the table? I’ve got news for you, bucko. I would rather carry my beach chair around with me every day then give you and your two-seat-taking spread-like-you’re-about-to-have-a-pap-smear-legs the satisfaction.