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A phone that can just text and call your friends and family is not looked down upon in any state, with the exception of the fabulous state of New York.

If a Smartphoneless-person carries around a map, everyone becomes immediately aware of you and your touristy self. When a Smartphoneless-person asks a New Yorker for help, they will be lucky if that New Yorker even looks at them let alone takes out the green ear buds booming with Eminem raps to give them the information they seek (which may or may not be correct).

Say this particular Smartphoneless-person is heading towards an interview and gets incredibly lost between the-opposite-of-helpful subway signs and the nonsense that is the Financial District, and is therefore forced to be late to that aforementioned interview. When explaining the sweatiness and tardiness to the receptionist, she looks you up and down and says:

The Cool Receptionist, “You got lost? Did your iPhone die?”

The Smartphoneless-person, “No, I asked someone for directions, who sent me the wrong way. I don’t have an iPhone… again, I am so sorry I am late.”

The Cool Receptionist, “Well, what kind of a phone do you have? Maybe we can get you a charger so you know how to get back home.”

The Smartphoneless-person, “I actually don’t have any kind of Smartphone…”

With the air of comforting someone when they have lost their childhood pet or found out their crush of three years was actually VERY into men, The Cool Receptionist will then say, “Oh you poor thing!”  and pat The Smartphoneless-person lovingly on the arm.

Having been taken pity upon by The Cool Receptionist, The Smartphoneless-person will then be led to the office of the interviewer, perhaps with the thought that if someone does not lead this sorry sack of a person who has no directional skills through the lobby and down the hall, that Smartphoneless-person will yet again get lost and probably end up in the pantry.

The Smartphoneless-person will then go back home, and a week later get offered a nonpaying internship that she is very overqualified for… probably due to the fact that a Smartphoneless-person will have no way to check emails every two minutes with her non-Internet-connecting phone and therefore cannot be trusted to have an actual paid position.


Come back for Tales of the Smartphoneless (Part 2) next Wednesday!